UnConsciousness

I know they say eating too much meat can make one’s meditation practice slothful and less focused.

I’m willing to bet you it’s carbs. Carbs make me feel crummy.

Who are “they,” anyway?

Tangled in the Dharma Web

I feel trapped.

Caught up, backed in a corner, locked in a box—whatever the metaphor. I thought that these mindfulness practices would free me from the cyclical, habitual behaviors of the past, but I find this awareness to come with a catch; to end up more predictable than before.

I remember being told that as I progress with Zen, Vipassana and other meditative activities, I would start seeing myself more critically. And this may very well be an example of such. It seems like, before I approach a situation, I find myself analyzing myself and the scenario and then finding a response. This doesn’t happen successfully each and every time, however, I’m more aware of when I’m not as mindful as I could have been.

But this, in and of itself, is a cycle. Now I find myself analyzing each situation instead of responding naturally. I see myself pausing and looking within, but then, sometimes, I don’t see myself responding at all.

Being quiet and saying little is often advocated in contemplative activities, like meditation. But what I am experiencing is my intuition, my judgment and my dissertations all being hushed in exchange for being less judgmental, less opinionated and free from the ego.

The ego…all these practices (Yoga, Buddhism, Hinduism, etc.) all point to the ego as the antagonist to the realized self. However, some days we do have to play different roles. And as a role-player in the play of life, I am that actress still sitting in the green room because she forgot her lines. I feel like in exchange for enlightenment, I lost myself.

But one would say that this were a good thing. That identities aren’t necessary and should be done away with. Once upon a time, I agreed. Today, I find myself naked soldier on an open battlefield as the boundaries that I created to protect my integrity, my true self, was stripped. I sit here, damaged, leaving so many missed opportunities, dying friendships and wayward thoughts and feelings in the ruins.

I feel like my mistake is not knowing myself before practicing self-inquiry. It’s like looking for a tiger barb in a tank full of exotic fish, not knowing what the barb looks like. One could say that seeking for the self is the way to the self, but how? If perceptions and sensations are empty by nature…

See…

I’ve stopped myself again. That last fragment, “if perceptions and sensations are empty by nature…” made me pause. Again, I work myself up for nothing…literally. My thinking is that since perceptions and sensations are empty, that they are passing, impermanent and will go away someday…but then they will reemerge. So, do I let go of my feeling tangled for now, hoping to revisit it later with more clarity? Should I stop my pursuit of understanding what I don’t know since the question will fade and arise some other time?

I know! I should have a cup of tea.

Summer Sitting - Meditation Series this Summer

Last year, I led the CitySangha sits around Downtown Chattanooga. But because it was way too hot, we ended the sangha meetings early.

This year, I’d like to start it up again, but first, I’d like to build a  following

(err, that word just sounds wrong but I couldn’t think of another…oh wait, “interest group” sounds better!).

Yeah, so, I’d like to get an interest group going first before I begin. Of course, I don’t mind sitting around in the middle of the park by myself. I’m comfortable in my own company :)

Anyway, the sits will start probably around mid-June, probably once or twice a week. Hopefully, I’ll also be leading sits at the new mindfulness center on Monday nights for Zen Group of Chattanooga.

If you’re interested and will be in the Chattanooga area, reply to this post, comment on Facebook or DM me on Twitter (@setsuna_ni).

The sits will be free of charge, but donations will be accepted. This is simply another opportunity for people to sit during the week if you can’t make it to the other sitting groups. No experience or religious background necessary, however helpful.

Auspicious Anecdotes: Mindfulness = Ordinary Mind?

Enlightenment. That elusive achievement harrowed by all that practice  Eastern philosophies and new age thought.

It took me to practice Zen to come to an understanding about enlightenment and mindfulness, but I’m starting to learn that idea isn’t really all that foreign, spiritual or ethereal. It’s just ordinary knowing.

***

Most of my moments of “enlightenment” (I guess) happen at home. For instance, I watch Mom cook all the time (even though she shoos me out of the kitchen, still, at age 24). And when watching her, she just seems to know what tastes good, throwing random seasonings on a raw chicken to make something super tasty.

Last week, I asked her, “How do you know those seasonings even go together?” She replied, “I know because I’ve tasted it.”

Duh. Duh duh duh duh. But at least I asked.

I guess we get caught up in everything needing deeper meaning…that she had some sort of intuitive power that enabled her to make awesome food. Not really (however, I still like to think of Mom as a superhero in the kitchen). But what I did take away something from my Derpina moment was that Mom knows because she has experienced whatever it is I was inexperienced about.

And all mindfulness is really is awareness +  experience.

***

One day, Mom put on a roast and walked off to do some chores, watch TV or whatever it is she did. An hour later, I, thinking she was being negligent by not standing over her meal, decided to simply turn the roast down.

Then Mom comes back upstairs. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY ROAST?!?!”

(Dragon breath and hell-fire everywhere)

I was like, “I just turned it down. You were gone for a while.” She barked, “Roasts take TWO HOURS to cook! DON’T TOUCH MY ROAST!!!”

(See what happened when I was trying to be “mindful”?)

From that, I realize that, sure, mindfulness is a virtue, but if you’re just blindly being “mindful” it’s not really mindful…or helpful…for anyone. It’s just basically not having any idea what you’re doing, but doing what you think is right anyway.

Mom walked away from her roast because she knew it would take two hours to cook. She was being mindful. I was being Derpina. And being Derpina, the most mindful thing I could have done at that moment was to have simply asked Mom.

And today, I’m mindful to never touch her roast again.